The last couple of months have been exhausting and incredible all at the same time. One of the most exhausting -- and rewarding-- events was the opportunity I had to be a counselor at our church's annual high school camp. This year was extra special because the girls in our cabin were girls who we (the other leader and I) have been establishing a relationship with over the last year in our small group. We had a lovely group of girls, and because we already had the groundwork laid in our relationships, were able to have very meaningful conversations with an openness that may not have otherwise been present.
During the camp, I saw Christ drawing young people to Himself up close. I witnessed a heart that didn't have hope -- or desire "yet" -- of salvation transform into true surrender to Jesus. Christ used His Word, the preacher, us cabin leaders, the sports team, and even the other students to work on this student's (and, I'm sure, many others') heart.
On the last day of camp, the ministry leader asked those who had decided to turn their lives over to Christ during the camp to please stand up, and nine young people stood. A fly on the wall would have seen the ministry leader, the sports team, and all of the cabin leaders tearing up or all-out crying. All glory went to Christ that night, and we felt overwhelmed that Jesus would use us as His instruments to play a part in the salvation of these souls. The thought crossing all of our minds was this is why we're here.
For me personally, I struggled -- especially during the first few days of camp -- with some truly disgusting pride and desires for recognition. I was disgusted and discouraged by my attitude (ask my sister, who was a counselor as well). After a lot of prayer, Christ worked on my heart and helped me to rest my weakness and wrong desires into his strong hands. He reminded me of the humiliation he went through on the cross -- how He was not only NOT RECOGNIZED for the good He did, but was falsely accused and KILLED by those recipients of His goodness. He gave me the grace to abide in Him and used me -- broken and flawed as I am -- as an instrument for His kingdom. Praise be to His Name!
Fast forward a few weeks. Reflecting on my "normal" life, I've learned my tendency in social and ministry life is to "go-go" for a couple weeks and then "burn out," and need to take a break from anything extra. I start to feel ineffective, tired, and empty. Someone recently said something while talking about burnout in ministry that hit home. Essentially, the idea is that if you are truly abiding in Christ and doing ministry by His strength, while you might have physical burnout, you shouldn't experience spiritual burnout as a result of your ministry. Ouch.
While this seems to be a constant area of desired growth over the years, a recent journal entry summarizes my desire for approaching ministry going forward (it's really a prayer, as I know I cannot accomplish this on my own):
This coming year, I want to truly do all things through Christ, really abiding in him Him and not doing things on my own strength (and thus burning out and having no more to give). "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, neither can you, unless you abide in me . . . whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing . . . As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love . . . These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." John 15:4-11.
If we're note abiding, we're not bearing fruit because we're cutting off our Sustainer. I'm still figuring out what ministry will look like going forward -- if it will even look different -- but I'm excited to see how Christ will continue to mold and use me, despite my brokenness.
Held fast by (and trying to hold onto) an incredible Savior,
Sonia
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