I'm not sure how to start this post, except with a truth about myself I don't like touting: my insecurity. Frequent spurts of insecurity of who and how I am and persistent feelings of loneliness, discouragement, and even failure.
A few examples include thoughts such as: these people don't want me around; people think I'm always serious and don't know how to have fun; godly/eligible guys don't want to consider me for dating/marriage because I'm too old, boring, unattractive, or awkward; or my high school girls don't like me because I'm not "cool."
When these shamefully self-focused thoughts pass through my mind, I am (by God's grace alone!) decent about turning it over to Christ and praying for grace to stop focusing on myself so much and just push through the insecurity to focus on loving and serving others. But, the thoughts are always a step away, waiting to jump in as soon as I let my guard down (which is way too often).
After one such occasion of feeling down, I called my mom on the phone and expressed my frustration and discouragement. She followed up our call with a text the next morning:
Regarding your feelings last night. Like I said, they are very human and common to man and not sin in themselves (as far as I know), but rather a backdrop for growth and glorifying God. I thought of an analogy: When I am concerned about my own 'glory' or 'shame ' - i.e. what others think of me, it is like a little worm (me, all of us 'worms') who is on top of [a mountain] in a morning with a glorious sunrise surrounded by lovely wild flowers and towering firs and a most glorious view, yet the poor worm is looking down at the dirt, worrying about what the other worms think of his dirty bow tie when he has the ability to show them the beauty around them. How incredible, that we are able, in Christ, to help others to see the glory of God!
She followed it up with a few verses, one of which is 2 Corinthians 4:5-7, which says "For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."
In the time since my wise mother's exhortation, God has been blowing me away with a better understanding of what it means to be a jar of clay. Or, as in John 15, a branch. He didn't make a mistake when he created me, and I don't need to change who I am to be more effective in ministry and relationships. While I still feel like a mess half the time, I've been seeing Christ glorified through my feeble attempts to think of myself less and love and serve others more within the capacity He's given me.
When we're acting within the role God has created for us -- whatever that may be -- the focus shifts from the clay jar to what's inside; to the tree instead of the branch. To the Source of life instead of a flawed person who is sometimes "nice" or "fun."
So, while my little clay jar named "Sonia" isn't as cool, put together, or liked as my "self" would hope, God is bringing to completion the good work he began in me and is encouraging me by the reminder and rebuke that it's not about me and that surpassing power ultimately belongs to HIM.
Hold fast to Jesus!
Sonia
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