Teach Me to Abide

The last couple of months have been exhausting and incredible all at the same time. One of the most exhausting -- and rewarding-- events was the opportunity I had to be a counselor at our church's annual high school camp. This year was extra special because the girls in our cabin were girls who we (the other leader and I) have been establishing a relationship with over the last year in our small group. We had a lovely group of girls, and because we already had the groundwork laid in our relationships, were able to have very meaningful conversations with an openness that may not have otherwise been present. 

During the camp, I saw Christ drawing young people to Himself up close. I witnessed a heart that didn't have hope -- or desire "yet" -- of salvation transform into true surrender to Jesus. Christ used His Word, the preacher, us cabin leaders, the sports team, and even the other students to work on this student's (and, I'm sure, many others') heart.

On the last day of camp, the ministry leader asked those who had decided to turn their lives over to Christ during the camp to please stand up, and nine young people stood. A fly on the wall would have seen the ministry leader, the sports team, and all of the cabin leaders tearing up or all-out crying. All glory went to Christ that night, and we felt overwhelmed that Jesus would use us as His instruments to play a part in the salvation of these souls. The thought crossing all of our minds was this is why we're here. 

For me personally, I struggled -- especially during the first few days of camp -- with some truly disgusting pride and desires for recognition. I was disgusted and discouraged by my attitude (ask my sister, who was a counselor as well). After a lot of prayer, Christ worked on my heart and helped me to rest my weakness and wrong desires into his strong hands. He reminded me of the humiliation he went through on the cross -- how He was not only NOT RECOGNIZED for the good He did, but was falsely accused and KILLED by those recipients of His goodness. He gave me the grace to abide in Him and used me -- broken and flawed as I am -- as an instrument for His kingdom. Praise be to His Name!

Fast forward a few weeks. Reflecting on my "normal" life, I've learned my tendency in social and ministry life is to "go-go" for a couple weeks and then "burn out," and need to take a break from anything extra. I start to feel ineffective, tired, and empty. Someone recently said something while talking about burnout in ministry that hit home. Essentially, the idea is that if you are truly abiding in Christ and doing ministry by His strength, while you might have physical burnout, you shouldn't experience spiritual burnout as a result of your ministry. Ouch.

While this seems to be a constant area of desired growth over the years, a recent journal entry summarizes my desire for approaching ministry going forward (it's really a prayer, as I know I cannot accomplish this on my own): 

This coming year, I want to truly do all things through Christ, really abiding in him Him and not doing things on my own strength (and thus burning out and having no more to give). "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, neither can you, unless you abide in me . . . whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing . . . As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love . . . These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." John 15:4-11.

If we're note abiding, we're not bearing fruit because we're cutting off our Sustainer. I'm still figuring out what ministry will look like going forward -- if it will even look different -- but I'm excited to see how Christ will continue to mold and use me, despite my brokenness. 

Held fast by (and trying to hold onto) an incredible Savior,

Sonia

In Loving Memory of Our Baca

Death is never easy, but it's a reality of this broken world.

About a month ago, we said our final "I love you" to our Baca (grandma) via FaceTime, she in the hospital and we all together at my parents' home for a weekend family "staycation." While we couldn't be with her physically the last week or so of her life due to Covid-19 restrictions and hospitals not allowing more than one visitor, God was so faithful in that our entire family was together, able to support one another. 

Since the beginning of the pandemic, we hadn't been able to hug our grandparents, and the last time we saw Baca in person, the day she later ended up going to the hospital for the last time, we were able to embrace her. None of us knew it would be the last time we'd see her. We all knew she would probably pass within the next few months and to treat every visit like it could be our last, but we didn't know that would be "it"; having the memory of our final visit ending with a hug and "I love you" provides immeasurable comfort. 

 Baca was one of the kindest, strongest, and most talented people who ever walked this earth. Baca was an excellent archery hunter (the first female archer to bag a deer); an incredible water-skier; skilled outdoorswoman; a powerful prayer warrior; an absolute lover of all things Christmas; and a loving mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. 

We'd call her individually several times a week to check in, and she'd take an interest in and remember everything going on in our lives -- and she kept us in her daily prayers. If we had a dollar for every time we've almost (or actually) reached for the phone to call her on the way home from work since she's passed away...

She and our Baci (grandpa) were -- and are -- pillars in our family. Baca (with Baci beside her) was the first person we called after we had a successful hunt. Our favorite quote of hunting season is "the Lord can put a deer anywhere he wants," a quote we've passed down from Baca for years. Baca and Baci were present for birthday parties, holidays, and many visits in between. Some of my best memories are visiting them at their home near the beach and going on hunting outings with Baci and giving Baca the "update call" with him in the car. If we were hunting near the beach, she'd always welcome us home in the evening with "the mighty hunters return!" as we trudged wearily through the door.

I wish we had more time with her, wish I had learned more about her history and upbringing, wish we'd taken more pictures together, but at the same time am so very thankful for the full life she lived and for the strong relationship we did have with our sweet Baca. Her passing has encouraged us to be even more intentional in our family relationships, especially with Baci, our incredible grandfather who has had to say an earthly, heart-wrenching, goodbye to his beloved wife, whom he affectionately called "mama." 

So, while my heart is grieving at this earthly loss, we are able to look forward to heaven, knowing that Jesus has conquered pain, suffering, and death; knowing that Baca believed in Jesus and is now in his tender care; knowing that we will see her again.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25-26 (English Standard).

Held fast by Jesus,

Sonia

Jars, Branches, and the Powerful Work of God

I'm not sure how to start this post, except with a truth about myself I don't like touting: my insecurity. Frequent spurts of insecurity of who and how I am and persistent feelings of loneliness, discouragement, and even failure. 

A few examples include thoughts such as: these people don't want me around; people think I'm always serious and don't know how to have fun; godly/eligible guys don't want to consider me for dating/marriage because I'm too old, boring, unattractive, or awkward; or my high school girls don't like me because I'm not "cool."

When these shamefully self-focused thoughts pass through my mind, I am (by God's grace alone!) decent about turning it over to Christ and praying for grace to stop focusing on myself so much and just push through the insecurity to focus on loving and serving others. But, the thoughts are always a step away, waiting to jump in as soon as I let my guard down (which is way too often).

After one such occasion of feeling down, I called my mom on the phone and expressed my frustration and discouragement. She followed up our call with a text the next morning: 

Regarding your feelings last night. Like I said, they are very human and common to man and not sin in themselves (as far as I know), but rather a backdrop for growth and glorifying God. I thought of an analogy: When I am concerned about my own 'glory' or 'shame ' - i.e. what others think of me, it is like a little worm (me, all of us 'worms') who is on top of [a mountain] in a morning with a glorious sunrise surrounded by lovely wild flowers and towering firs and a most glorious view, yet the poor worm is looking down at the dirt, worrying about what the other worms think of his dirty bow tie when he has the ability to show them the beauty around them. How incredible, that we are able, in Christ, to help others to see the glory of God!

She followed it up with a few verses, one of which is 2 Corinthians 4:5-7, which says "For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."

In the time since my wise mother's exhortation, God has been blowing me away with a better understanding of what it means to be a jar of clay. Or, as in John 15, a branch. He didn't make a mistake when he created me, and I don't need to change who I am to be more effective in ministry and relationships. While I still feel like a mess half the time, I've been seeing Christ glorified through my feeble attempts to think of myself less and love and serve others more within the capacity He's given me.

When we're acting within the role God has created for us -- whatever that may be --  the focus shifts from the clay jar to what's inside; to the tree instead of the branch. To the Source of life instead of a flawed person who is sometimes "nice" or "fun."

So, while my little clay jar named "Sonia" isn't as cool, put together, or liked as my "self" would hope, God is bringing to completion the good work he began in me and is encouraging me by the reminder and rebuke that it's not about me and that surpassing power ultimately belongs to HIM.

Hold fast to Jesus!

Sonia

Reflections on 2020 from a General Standpoint: Brokenness Uncovered and Hope Revealed

 I'm fairly certain that most individuals in this world would agree that the year 2020 was a bit unprecedented. From a world standpoint, the COVID-19 pandemic swept through nations, causing immeasurable havoc. From a national standpoint, coupled with the pandemic was unreal political and social unrest and violence.

A three-part lesson 2020 really brought home is how broken and fallen the world and mankind is, how powerful the spiritual forces are, and how tremendous a Christian's hope can be.

It hurts my heart to see loved ones afflicted with the impacts of sickness, our government creating laws pertaining to social interactions that a year ago would have been unimaginable, friends and families being separated, people I grew up with becoming extreme political activists in support of groups and movements in opposition to God, and even small businesses being shut down. Today, while America still touts the 1st Amendment, free speech is already starting to become less free -- if one's political or religious opinion is different than that of the general public (or the loud few?), he or she is often ridiculed, judged, and even at times faced with physical violence. Even among relatives and friends, certain (previously "safe") subjects should not be broached.

Broken. We've always been broken, and 2020 helped me to see more clearly the extent of this brokenness. While my thoughts easily become anxious about the state of the world and I keep wishing for "how things used to be," I am praying for the strength and discipline to continually give thanks and look to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. For strength to genuinely give thanks that this world is temporal and its beauty and gifts are passing away. Some of the evil going on in the world and the anxiety threatening to grab hold of my heart point to just how real sin is. At the same time, the truths of God's Word, love of His people, and comfort from His Spirit point to how real our God is.

The incredible truth for those of us who follow Jesus is that while the world is -- and has been! -- broken, this is NOT OUR HOME. It has never been our home. Our earthly standing is not our identity. Our identity starts on the spiritual level and works out. Oh, for grace to more fully grasp and rejoice in this truth! 

So, while 2020 has been a bit of a mess, and it was probably only the beginning (although we could still have a revival!), I would not say it was a "bad" year. No, while my shortcomings are depressing at times, 2020 helped me to see and hope more in Jesus, better appreciate His people and fellowship, and cherish corporate worship. 

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

31What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. 34Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:18-39 (English Standard, italics mine).

Hold fast to Jesus, Christian!

Sonia