Waiting on God: Not Growing Weary Waiting for His Wisdom

Lord Jesus, please give me wisdom. I don't know what to do or even how to feel. I pray that you would make it clear what I am to do.

This, in various forms, has been a prayer of mine over the past several months. It is still a prayer now. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel weary and like giving up at times. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for God to reveal His plan and make His path for my life clear. I keep trying to hold on to His promises for providing wisdom to all who seek it with a humble heart, His guarantee that He will never leave me or forsake me, and His assurance that He has my best in mind; and yet, I'm still waiting for answers. At least, the answers I'm looking for, in the form I want them. 

He is constantly reminding me to continue to wait on Him, to do my best to be faithful to Him, and to cast all my cares on Him. He is showing me that I can't even understand myself, much less how to handle various life situations. And He is reminding me that His grace is sufficient. While He hasn't revealed his specific will in certain aspects of my life, He is showing me a different kind of wisdom.

I'm currently reading Knowing God by J.I. packer, and the chapter I read two nights ago, on wisdom, was encouraging and rebuking. If you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it. The following paragraph sums up the chapter on the wisdom of (and from) God.

Thus, the kind of wisdom that God waits to give to those who ask him is a wisdom that will bind us to himself, a wisdom that will find expression in a spirit of faith and a life of faithfulness.  Let us see to it, then, that our own quest for wisdom takes the form of a quest for these things, and that we do not frustrate the wise purpose of God by neglecting faith and faithfulness in order to pursue a kind of knowledge which in this world it is not given to us to have. 

 J. I. Packer, Knowing God 108 (1973 20th ann. ed. 2009).

Yes, I am waiting for answers to my specific life situations. But, He who promised is faithful. My duty is to is to live a life faithful to Him, with the present wisdom that He gives now. I must not, as I have been tempted, neglect faith and faithfulness in order to pursue answers He has not given me to have. Pursuit of these answers becomes nothing less than an idol. 

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Colossians 3:1-2 (English Standard).

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice . . . do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5-7 (English Standard.

I have no idea what the future holds, but, as the cliche goes, I know the One Who holds the future.

Hold fast to Jesus!

Sonia

Airplanes, Beaches, and Cabins, Oh My!

The past month (both May and June, really) has been packed with fun adventures and quality time with special people, which will be the focus of this post (which is almost late, since June is almost over!). 

I'm waiting for over 600 pictures to load to my computer right now, though, so I'm taking a detour while they (hopefully) load. It could be that this post will actually just turn into another "Sonia pouring out her disorganized, slightly illogical, and potentially tedious thoughts" session. 

So, as I wait for my old computer, coupled with our slow internet, to load my pictures...here we go.

Let the records note that while this month was packed with lovely "A, B, and C's" (Airplanes, Beaches, and Cabins), this month has also included a lot of challenges in regards to my walk with my Savior and relationships with other people. 

I'm continually seeing just how sinful that I am. It may not show on the outside to all but those who are closest to me (and I try to mask it even there), but the One Who knows the heart knows all, even more than me. Ouch. The truth of the Gospel is, without hesitation, incredible, and I have a hard time grasping it. Can't grasp it, really. All I can do is immerse myself in the reminders and truths about this amazing Gospel and look to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. It certainly isn't me who's doing any authoring or perfecting. 

That God would send His one and only Son to be a blameless sacrifice for OUR sins, to satisfy the righteous and just requirement of the law that states "without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness," is astounding. We, who have transgressed the law and live, by nature, in opposition to God's nature, can be saved from our sinfulness and experience saving grace. What does God require of us? To simply recognize who He is, who we are, what Christ has done, and to accept his gift of salvation by faith. He then gives us His Holy Spirit, which transforms our hearts and our lives, provides us with true comfort and peace, and gives us strength and wisdom to face each day. What an amazing mystery. 

And with that thought, the pictures have loaded, and I have selected a few to share. Since it's already been about half an hour, though, I'll have to limit the monologue and summarize the following. These pictures reflect a surprise private airplane trip adventure; a trip to the beach over the Memorial Day weekend; and a lovely cabin weekend with two dear, childhood friends.

Am I Giving What I Cannot Keep?

The morning is flying by all to quickly, so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to write, but I wanted to share a thought that has been marinating for quite sometime, in hopes I'll be able to make a bit more clarity (and conviction) out of it. 

I recently finished reading Shadow of the Almighty: the Life & Testament of Jim Elliot, a biography of Jim Elliot's life. The book was filled with Jim's journal entries and excerpts from his letters to his friends and family. His life was truly dedicated to Christ; His focus was Christ and spreading His kingdom. One of his most famous quotes, which happens to be on the cover of the book, is  "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." Elizabeth Elliot, Shadow of the Almighty: the Life and Testament of Jim Elliot np (1979). 

Wow. As humans, we have no control over our day of birth nor over our day of death. See, e.g. Matthew 6:27. As Christians, we will only find true joy and peace after we have surrendered all to our Lord. Am I surrendering everything to Him? Am I willing to count everything in this world a LOSS for the WORTH of knowing Christ Jesus?

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 

Philippians 3:8-11 (English Standard). "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39 (English Standard).

On a practical level, it's often difficult to KNOW what living in complete surrender looks like. I mean, what is God's will? How do I KNOW if I'm doing the right thing (this is in every day decisions as opposed to just NOT outwardly sinning)? Here, I believe that our Lord will lead us, even though we may need to wait on Him for the answers. He does not withhold anything good from His children. See, e.g., Psalm 84:11 (there are several other passages about this). 

As Jim Elliot said to his friend, Pete: "I have not the foggiest idea how or where God will lead you. Of this I am sure. He will lead you and not let you miss your signs. Rest in this--it is His business to lead, command, send, call, or whatever you want to call it. It is your business to obey, follow, move, respond, or what have you." Elliot, supra, at 150. 

Jim Elliot's biography later quoted a poem by Nathan Burma, part of which said, "And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father, Until it be according to Mine? But no, Lord, no; that never shall be, rather I pray Thee, blend my human will with Thine." Id. (unknown page number). 

He who began a good work in us will carry it on to completion! See Psalm 1:6. Oh, for grace to trust Him more! To follow His lead, hanging tightly to Him, as we go through this ride called Life.

Sonia

On A Lighter Note: My Attorney is...Taking a Nap?

Last Monday, while working steadily at my desk, my phone rang. As usual, I answered with a very business-like, "Good afternoon, thank you for calling ---, this is Sonia." So far so good. A typical call. However, the caller responded with, "hi, yes, I was there a few minutes ago looking for Jim" [so far still a typical call] "...and heard he was taking a nap. I was just calling to ask if he's awake and available now."

My brain froze and my professional facade began to melt. What? Jim, taking a NAP? And telling a client about it??? How is the client so chill about this? I envisioned my very hard-working boss taking a snooze in his office, and the image almost (did, later) cause me to laugh out loud. 

After a brief pause, I asked the caller, "um, are you looking for ATTORNEY Jim ---? This is a law firm..." to which the caller responded (much to my relief), "Oh!, I'm sorry, this isn't where Jim --- is? I thought I was calling a nursing home!" He then proceeded to apologize profusely for interrupting my day and wasting my time, to which I heartily (and sincerely) reassured him it was absolutely no problem at all.

And truly, it wasn't a problem. 

Truly This is the Son of God!

With the Easter season comes a renewed appreciation for and focus on the story of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection (especially nowadays, when the Bible App offers so many plans!). I read the below passage in Mark a couple of weeks back, and today read the cross-referenced passage in Luke. Please, take time to read them:

 "And Jesus uttered a loud cry and breathed his last. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And when the centurion, who stood facing him, saw that in this way he breathed his last, he said, 'Truly this man was the Son of God!'" Mark 15:37-39 (English Standard).

"Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, “'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!' And having said this he breathed his last. Now when the centurion saw what had taken place, he praised God, saying, 'Certainly this man was innocent!'" Luke 23:46-47 (English Standard). 

When I read the Mark passage a few weeks ago, the centurion's reaction to Jesus' death struck a cord; he saw the way Jesus breathed His last and recognized who Jesus was. I wonder, did he see Jesus, after being crucified, ask His Father to hold his murderers innocent? Did he see Jesus tell the thief next to Him that he would be with Him in paradise? Did he hear Jesus proclaim "it is finished" and "Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit"? Regardless of what this Roman centurion observed about Jesus, it was enough for him -- a blood-thirsty Roman -- to see that Jesus was not an ordinary man. What a testimony. This Roman saw that Jesus was the real deal.

When we hear about Jesus (and read, in detail, of His life, death, and resurrection on earth), what is our response? We can move on with our lives or we can consider the impact of Jesus.

I don't know about you, but this does a couple things for me. In one way, it convicts me about my lack of faith, negligent appreciation for the Gospel, and horrible unworthiness. At the same time, this reminds me of what an incredible, incredible Savior we serve. We have the completed canon of Scripture, we have the mystery of the Gospel revealed, we see God's beautiful creation, and we can know that our Jesus LIVES!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander, 
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.

When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur

And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee, 

How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee, 

How great Thou art, How great Thou art! 

And when I think, that God, His Son not sparing; 

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in; 

That on a Cross, my burdens gladly bearing,

He bled and died to take away my sin.

When we consider all that God has done, consider Christ's obedience to the point of death on a cross, and read of His testimony on earth, let us proclaim, "my God, how great you are!"

May these scattered thoughts make some semblance of sense and be a blessing!

Hold fast to Jesus!

Sonia

Four Months into 2019: His Grace Is Still Sufficient (For Grace to Fully Comprehend This)!

This morning, my internal clock would not permit slumber past 6:15, despite staying up about an hour late to read a book, The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas (so far, I would recommend it!). Oh well, it's actually a blessing to be able to wake up early on a Saturday without being horribly exhausted and have quiet time to oneself. 

Three words come to mind upon reflection of the the past month of life: Revealing, Stretching, and Rebuking (to my OCD self in the future: not alphabetized because the order wouldn't be correct) .

Revealing: Through life circumstances, God has been revealing Himself to me so much by reminding me 1) of my wretched, sinful state; 2) His incredible Gospel of salvation; and 3) my failure to surrender all, including the guilt of my sin, to Him. 

Stretching: This past month, I participated in a group event with the person I'm dating, and learned a lot about "getting over" the discomfort of not being an official part of a close-knit group, putting off my selfishness. and learning to be content and joyful in all circumstances. Not saying I perfected this by any means; in fact, the entire day was an internal battle within myself. 

Further stretching has been in that area to which I alluded at the beginning of the above paragraph: being in a relationship. Never having been in a relationship, I have no prior experiences or emotions to check against the events and feelings I'm going through now. The past couple of months have been confusing, to say the least, and I'm struggling to know the will of the Lord, and what it looks like to know what brings Him the most glory.

Jim Elliot once said something along the lines of, "He is no fool of gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." I have been praying and thinking hard about whether or not I have truly been giving my entire life and heart to my Savior before anything else, including in my relationship. God's Word promises that those who trust in the Lord with their entire heart will be led by God (see, e.g. Proverbs 3:5-6), but He doesn't say that there isn't a waiting period in which our trust in Him is perfected through the unknown! In fact, He promises that those who "wait on the LORD" will renew their strength! See, e.g. Isaiah 40:28-31.

Rebuking: Finally, this month has been rebuking. As mentioned above, I've been challenged to examine my relationship to God, realizing that I am not fully surrendering myself (and my sinfulness) to Him; failed to see and know His glory; been self-focused; and  failed to love God above all else. In short, this passage rings true: "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

Romans 7:24-25 (English Standard).

In closing (since it is nearly 8 a.m. and the morning is growing late), this passage we read during the high school group this week struck a cord and applies to what God has been revealing to me:

Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, ²to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. ³For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. ⁴But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, ⁵he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, ⁶whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, ⁷so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

Titus 3:1-7 (English Standard).

Nana reading to the Chunk (3) and Baby Em

Thankful for the opportunity to see this dear friend for a brief afternoon visit last week!

"Baca" (great-grandma) with Baby Em. A precious, precious moment.

Baby Lucy 

Enjoying a break-taking view of the beach a few weeks back -- this is the day spent with the new group of individuals. The beach was truly amazing, and God's glory was so evident in everything.

Baby Em continues to capture our hearts!

A trip to a different beach a week before the above beach picture! We had a lovely time visiting two light houses and walking several different trails.

We also visited an old military fort and had a little too much fun climbing the cannons and exploring the various buildings and trails.

Mozzarella and I are so blessed to be able to work together, she as the lovely face of the firm (receptionist) and me as a legal assistant.

The Chunk doing pre-running "stretches" with me.

A gorgeous flower, give from the bottom of his "heart and kidneys" (it's a phrase in Russian, and "kidneys" is now my favorite word to pronounce in Russian -- it's pronounced kind of like "pohych-kee") 

Hold fast to Jesus!

Sonia

March Newsflash: Some Things Don't Come As Easily as a College Degree

Over the last several months (since last September, actually), I've been struggling through attending a Russian class for English speakers that our church is teaching. It is a tremendous blessing to have this opportunity to learn to better communicate with those of Slavic background, and also to exercise my mind to learn a new language and way of putting words together. 

While there have been several victorious "aha!" moments, there have been several (severals of) moments where I feel like I'm trying to learn something impossible (imagine trying to swallow a mountain).  Tenses, cases, gender, and the list goes on. It's confusing stuff, and I doubt I'll ever achieve mastery over it.

Instead of throwing in the hat and calling it quits, though, I'm trying to change my perspective, swallow my pride (instead of a mountain), and stamp down my laziness. 

Perspective: Instead of thinking of how far there is to go, I'm trying to think of how far I've come -- Or, rather, how far God has brought me. I'm also realizing just how blessed I am to have people in my life who care enough to support and help me through this learning process. 

Pride:  I struggle with allowing people to hear my bad accent and witness my poor memory, but am learning to deflate my pride (which is much puffier than I ever imagined) and accept and even ask for help.

Laziness: Learning a new language, I've discovered, does not produce results nearly as fast as a two-month university course. Learning to read new letters, how to make new sounds, and remembering new words is a more difficult and requires more dedication. 

In expressing my frustration over my poor Russian reading skills to someone a couple months back, I shared how I used to cry a lot when I was a small child learning to read (English), and how learning this kind of thing does not come easily. My listener (sensibly) responded with, "well, now you'll just have bigger tears." While I found this highly amusing, this was an excellent point: Sometimes learning something requires painful work, and shedding tears because it's hard isn't a good excuse to quit.

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:16-17 (English Standard). If we're doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, we're not going to let selfishness, pride, or laziness control us. Oh, for Christ's all-transforming grace to enable us to work -- at all times -- heartily, as unto Him!

Hold fast to Jesus!

Sonia (or, as I frequently write in Russian, Соня)