I Feel Safer in the Darkness of God's Uncertainty Than in the Light of Human Logic

About a month ago, I moved out of my parents house into the empty living space (bedroom/bathroom) of Clari and Cowboy's house. Earlier this week, I loaded (almost) the last of my possessions in boxes and brought them to my new space, intending to unpack them today or tomorrow. It's going to be a challenging process to find homes for everything -- I didn't realize I had so many books until I tried to fit them into two boxes and instead needed about 5-6. Let's not even get started on clothes or shoes. Anyway, I was planning to have everything unpacked and organized before Thanksgiving. It was going to be great, and I was going to be so satisfied to have accomplished such a feat.

Today, I'm laying on my bed with ibuprofen in my system and a heat pack under my neck in the midst of my tornado of a living space, unable to clean anything or even hardly move, it seems. Whiplash. The first, and hopefully the last, time I've ever experienced it. I'm a "doer," a "getter-doner," and seeing my room like this without being able to clean it is honestly very difficult. Being an "invalid" without feeling sick is not easy; using PTO for time other than vacation feels kind of sad. 

The experiences and relationships of the last year have been showing me that I am extremely goal-oriented (perhaps to the point of "occasional" controlling tendencies, heh). I work toward the goal, and want to get there as soon as possible -- even if that means forgetting to slow down and enjoy the process. I like order, a plan, and checklists. Sure, spontaneous adventures are fun as long as I don't have to plan them (if that makes sense), but I feel like if there isn't a plan, time may be wasted or an opportunity missed. 

My sister and I were rear-ended on the way home from work yesterday, and while we weren't seriously injured, as alluded to above, I'm feeling quite a bit of pain in my neck and back and can't do much of anything. My dear Lady Suzanna Azura (aka "Miss Suzie") has been totaled -- pending the insurance appraiser determining the fact. On a side-note, I actually am pretty peaceful about losing my car; no one was seriously injured and I have insurance! (update from a week later: turns out Miss Suzie is not totaled after all, although she came awfully close and will be in the shop at least through the New Year.)

So, instead of organizing my living space, I'm stuck with lots of time and no physical ability to  utilize it how I would like. There are many thoughts running through my mind, but the one I want to stick is found in Isaiah 55:8-9, which says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither  are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (English Standard)

The past two months have been the most difficult in several years, and I'm trying to surrender everything to my Savior, Whose plans are much better than mine. I fail at this every day, but He is constantly reminding me of my helpless state, physically and spiritually. And so, I'm thankful for being slightly bed-ridden; if it weren't so I probably wouldn't have organized my thoughts enough to write this post.

While this post is kind of scattered, I hope the main idea still comes across: My Plans = Not Always God's Plans; God's Plans = The Best Plans. The struggle is real. So is the Savior, though.

"I feel safer in the darkness of God's uncertainty than in the light of human groundless logic. In this darkness I am standing on a solid foundation of the Word of God which gives me peace . . . I feel safer because I am holding the hand of the One who is not capable of cruelty." Tim Rasulov, Worshipping in Darkness 61 (2019).

Loving God: Loving Others

One of the themes God has been redirecting to me over the past month is loving others. Truly loving others. In late September, several ladies from our church gathered to watch a life stream of the Revive Our Hearts conference, and one of the speakers shared the following passage, and gleaned a truth from it that I hadn't really considered when reading it before.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; 

my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from you, 

when I was being made in secret, 

intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, 

every one of them, the days that were formed or me, 

when as yet there was non of them.

Psalm 139:14-16 (English Standard). The speaker noted that, certainly, God has made us fearfully and wonderfully, and that we can rejoice in the fact that even our personalities, mental abilities, and appearance are not a mistake on His part. While a beautiful and encouraging reminder, what she shared after this stuck out to me. She noted that while the it is true that WE are fearfully and wonderfully made, we also need to recognize that EVERYONE else is, too. We should be seeing other individuals as just as treasured in God's eyes, and love them accordingly. 

The Bible constantly points us to the example of Christ and how He lived -- and died -- on this earth. He loved others perfectly.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 

Philippians 2:3-8 (English Standard)

At a Biblical Discipleship conference last Saturday, the speaker shared a truth that true Christians need to be constantly remembering: Your love for others will be in proportion to your love for God. There's that theme of seeing others as  treasured by God and loving them.

By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not o God, nor is the one who does not love his brother . . . . Beloved let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. . . . Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 3: 10, 4:7-8, and 11 (English Standard). Scripture is filled with affirmation of the statement that our love for others will be an evidence of our love for God. Ask yourself: do I love others as Christ has loved me, above myself and beyond my comfort zone? Do I care for the brother or sister next to me, for whom Christ has died?

Bonus passage: 

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

2 Corinthians 5:16-21 (English Standard).

Bless the Lord, O My Soul

Psalm 103:1-5

Bless the LORD, O my soul,

and all that is within me,

bless his holy name!

Bless the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Life threw a semi curve-ball last week, and the struggle has been real to see it as a good thing. My prayer for today is to not forget the incredible mercies of the Lord. He forgives our sins, heals our infirmities, comforts us in our sorrows, sanctifies us, and loves us with unending and limitless mercy and grace. My prayer is to find complete satisfaction in Him, the Giver -- and source -- of all good things!  As I recently read in James, every good and perfect give is from above -- "perfect" not meaning "fabulous" or "fun"; "perfect" meaning that regardless of what is happening, it is bringing us to perfection in Christ, that we may be presented mature and complete! 

Give Me Jesus 

Take the world, but give me Jesus,

All its joys are but a name;

But His love abideth ever,

Through eternal years the same.

Refrain:

Oh, the height and depth of mercy!

Oh, the length and breadth of love!

Oh, the fullness of redemption,

Pledge of endless life above!

Take the world, but give me Jesus,

Sweetest comfort of my soul;

With my Savior watching o’er me,

I can sing though billows roll.

Take the world, but give me Jesus;

In His cross my trust shall be,

Till, with clearer, brighter vision,

Face to face my Lord I see.

2019 Edition of "Warning: Contains Images of the Hunted Looking...Hunted"

The past month has been loaded with activities, including our church's high school camp and young adult retreat, but the focus of this entry is our family's annual archery hunting trip. This year was perhaps our most successful year, and showing pictures of all of the "fruits of our labor" might be a tad distasteful for a random blog-surfer. Out of the nine hunters, eight of us bagged animals -- which means we may actually have enough venison in the freezer to last until next year!

Every year, the highlight of the hunting season is spending time with family and in God's beautiful creation. Sunrises and sunsets in the mountains never get old. Creation truly sings the praises of its Creator!

As my dad says, hunting is called "hunting" and not "getting" for a reason; the enjoyment is in the entire experience, from when we start practicing shooting in early summer to butchering the deer on our dining room table.

Here are some pictures to document the time (not in chronological order, unfortunately). One thing that really stood out as I was going through our (hundreds) of hunting pictures, is that my dad is always there, always helping and encouraging us, even when it's pouring rain and he's exhausted. Ready to teach (you'll see one where he is instructing me in the ways of field dressing; even though I've done it before, I'm still not confident). 

 Pollywog's deer.

Mozzarella's deer. 

 Baby Ems came along with her mommy and daddy several of the days. She's a champ.

 Group picture of all the hunters!

 Mini-man (13) and his deer.

 Sweet Pea and her deer.

 Our daddy, so patient to teach us everything he knows.

 Mozzarella (20) and Gubby (15) being fabulous.

 Gubby and Sweet Pea (18)

Ephesians 5 - the Inner Happenings of a True Believer!

The following will be reminiscent of recent posts.

Lately, God has really been challenging me to be transformed, from the inside out (transformation isn't entirely passive). I have been struggling with feelings of anxiety and self-pity (that's a horrible word, self-pity). The day-to-day struggles of life, imperfect relationships, pain and suffering in the world, and life decisions with no apparent answers are dragging me down. 

Ephesians 5 kind of slapped me in the face (or heart) last night: "...but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord in your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:18b-21 (English Standard).

"Singing and making melody to the Lord in your heart..." I have not been singing and making melody to the Lord in my heart. I've been dragged down with anxious thoughts and haywire emotions that cause me to feel numb, wanting to be joy-filled and at the same time wanting to succumb to selfish sullenness. As a Christian, we should have inner JOY that will not be shaken, despite life circumstances.  I can literally feel the conflict within myself, and it's frustrating and encouraging at the same time. Christ is working! 

This entry is very scattered, I think, like my brain at the moment, but my prayer is that Christ will permeate my heart completely, helping me to deny ungodliness and selfish desire. One final, incomplete departing thought: The above passage points to "one another"; Christians aren't sanctified in a vacuum. 

Food for Thought from the Screwtape Letters

I'm reading C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters (again), and the following excerpt grabbed my attention: "Once you have made the World an end, and faith a means, you have almost won your man, and it makes very little difference what kind of worldly end he is pursuing."
C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters 34-35 (1996). 

"Once you have made the word an end, and faith a means..." How many Christians today - perhaps unknowingly - make faith a means to having the World? "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 3:8 (English Standard). I'm certainly convicted and guilty. 
"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." Romans 7:24-25 (English Standard).

Anxiety: the Pride of Not Letting Go? (NOT an Advocation of Disney's "Let it Go")

Anxiety: "Apprehensive uneasiness or nervousness usually over an impending or anticipated ill : a state of being anxious." Merriam Webster, Anxiety.

While I wouldn't call myself anxious in the "clinical sense," dwelling on the unknown and "freaking out," so to speak, has been a significant struggle lately.  Last night, our small group met and studied 1 Peter 5:5-11:

Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility with one another, for 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the god of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:5-11 (English Standard). This passage covers a lot of ground and could take up several publications, but a point that hit home last night was the connection between humility and anxiety. We, as Christians, are to live our lives in utter dependence on Christ, and if we are being anxious, aren't we failing to relinquish control to Him? When I am anxious, it's often over what I can't control but wish I could. It is internal turmoil about what I should do to either fix the problem or avoid a disaster. It is pridefully thinking I am ultimately responsible for the outcome of my life.

Certainly, we are accountable for our decisions, but, as I noted in a July post, God is the one Who ultimately leads us, and who works everything for our good (see Romans 8:28); our duty is to live faithfully for Him, trusting in His promises to sustain us.

So, when we are being anxious, are we, in a sense, not submitting to God and - out of pride - trying to take control of our lives? We are to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God and cast all of our anxieties on Him because HE CARES FOR US.

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:28-34 (English Standard). If we can trust God for salvation from our sins and for eternal life with Him in heaven, how much more should we trust Him in the "smaller," temporal things such as where to go to school, what career path to take, whom to marry, or even where to live! 

Hold fast to Jesus!

Sonia