Scattered Quarantined Passion Week Thoughts

The world has spiraled out of control since my last post, it feels like. Today, gatherings are not permitted, families aren't supposed to see each other (unless they are in the same household), "non-essential" businesses have been closed, and everyone is required to practice "social distancing." So many people have lost their jobs. The economy is struggling. History -- for the books -- is being written as we speak. Crazy times. So thankful that we serve a God who's got this in His hand (see last post).

Personally, while it certainly has many difficult moments, I've begun to enjoy this time. It sounds weird, but being home more (including working from home) has helped me to (start to) learn how to "slow down" and live life rather than focus only on meeting my goals (e.g. surviving the workday, finishing a video call, reading a book, preparing a meal, organizing something, taking a walk, maybe watching a movie -- even in those things that are "relaxing," I automatically anticipate the end of the activity). I'm working on enjoying the moment and trying to live in the "now" rather than "I wonder how now will look like after it's finished." Trying to spend more time in the Word, in prayer, and with family (the family in my household, that is). If there were ever a time to slow down and focus on growing in a relationship with God and family, now is that time. While I still wish there were more hours in the day, this quarantine is kind of nice -- don't get me wrong; I seriously miss church gatherings and hugging friends and family (like, a lot) -- as it has kind of made time slow down.

I think perhaps this Easter season has been the most reflective and blessed yet. Our church has been sending out daily videos over the week going over Jesus' final week on earth, and I've also been through a few Bible plans on my Bible app that go through these events as well. Some of the key aspects I've been thinking about from each day are:

-Thursday was Jesus' last supper with His disciples followed by his agony in the garden at Gethsemane, where He prayed for the cup to pass from Him if at all possible, yet submitted to the Father, acknowledging, "yet not as I will, but as you will."

-Friday was when He went to the cross and experienced the full cup of God's wrath. Where He nailed our sins to the cross.

-Today is a day of silent anticipation. Perhaps the disciples were hiding, grieving and confused over the death of the One they thought was the Savior. For us today, though, we anticipate tomorrow when Christ conquered death. 

The song, King of Kings has been running through my head all morning. 

In the darkness, we were waiting

Without hope, without light

'Til from Heaven You came running

There was mercy in Your eyes

To fulfill the law and prophets

To a virgin came the Word

From a throne of endless glory

To a cradle in the dirt

Praise the Father, praise the Son

Praise the Spirit, three in one

God of glory, Majesty

Praise forever to the King of Kings

To reveal the kingdom coming

And to reconcile the lost

To redeem the whole creation

You did not despise the cross

For even in Your suffering

You saw to the other side

Knowing this was our salvation

Jesus for our sake You died

Praise the Father, praise the Son

Praise the Spirit, three in one

God of glory, Majesty

Praise forever to the King of Kings

And the morning that You rose

All of Heaven held its breath

'Til that stone was moved for good

For the Lamb had conquered death

And the dead rose from their tombs

And the angels stood in awe

For the souls of all who'd come

To the Father are restored

And the church of Christ was born

Then the Spirit lit the flame

Now this gospel truth of old

Shall not kneel, shall not faint

By His blood and in His name

In His freedom I am free

For the love of Jesus Christ

Who has resurrected me, ohh

Praise the Father, praise the Son

Praise the Spirit, three in one

God of glory, Majesty

Praise forever to the King of Kings

Praise forever to the King of Kings

Finally, because rarely is a post complete without a picture, here is a "group" quarantine picture, in which Strong Ox's family came by to see Cowboy and Clari's newest baby, Chloe (who, by the way, has absolutely captured our hearts) -- we all stayed outside and didn't make any physical contact. It was wonderful to see them in person after nearly two months, but also super sad because we couldn't visit for long or have any physical contact.

Stability When the World Seems to Be Falling Apart

I've been struggling with anxiety over the past couple of weeks, in part for reasons I don't know, and also in part because of the growing panic of the world. Literally the world. Our state just closed all of its schools for 6 weeks, our work is having anyone with any symptoms of the flu work from home, stores are packed out and most are out of toilet paper and many household staples, people aren't allowed to gather in groups larger than 250, our church services need to be live-streamed, we can't see our grandparents, and the list goes on. 

Honestly, this is surreal and hard to accept. I don't even know how concerned to be or if I should be remaining calm or joining the hysteria. Well, I do know, I suppose, that I should be remaining calm and not joining the hysteria. Knowing this, however, doesn't make it easy to bring it to my heart and mind. 

The only stable direction I (and the world) can turn toward is up. Our Lord is in control of this situation and sees how it will play out. He commands us not to be anxious for anything but in everything by prayer and supplication -- with thanksgiving -- to let our requests be made known to Him, and His peace will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. (see Philippians 4:6-7) As a follower of Jesus, I want to take these words -- which are becoming even more real than they've ever been before -- to heart. 

I can rejoice because my future is sure. This broken world is temporary and isn't supposed to be easy. As I've written in past posts, hard times cause Jesus to become even sweeter. Right now, I'm struggling to appreciate this truth but am praying for grace to hold on to Jesus. Knowing Him surpasses -- or should surpass -- any amount of worldly comfort.  I am praying for the faith to cast my cares upon Him. (see 1 Peter 5:7) As I'm writing this and considering the context of 1 Peter, honestly, allowing anxiety to fester is prideful; it is not letting go and, as the cliche goes, "letting God." 

And so, with the world in a panic, I pray that we who have been saved by grace (an undeserved gift) through faith and the sacrificial blood (perfect payment for sin) of Jesus Christ may humble ourselves enough to find true peace in Him, knowing that He will see us through. 

In closing, and on a lighter note, here is a picture of Baby Ems and I, enjoying three "common grace" gifts from above: Family Time, Snow, and Spring Flowers. 

His Grace is Sufficient! (and oh, for grace to trust Him more!)

As a few people know, I've been in almost constant pain since November 25, 2019, when Miss Suzie and I were rear-ended at a stop. While Miss Suzie looks pretty much like new after spending over a month at the auto body shop, my pain has ebbed and flowed, and has recently been near an all-time high. It's amazing just how much getting rear-ended can mess up your neck and back...

That said, though, I've been trying to learn to trust Christ more fully in this. Last weekend was a weekend camp in the snow with our high school group, and I was in so much pain Monday-Thursday of that week I didn't know if I would be able to make it to the camp. I prayerfully decided to go ahead and go, and just take it easy at the camp, which started Friday evening. Several family members and friends were praying, not only for my physical pain, but that we leaders could be a true blessing to the students, and that the students would be drawn closer to Christ. 

Going to the camp, I tried to have the mindset that Christ would be glorified in my weakness, and his power would be made perfect through my physical limitations. We recently had a sermon on 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, which reads:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(English Standard). While my "weakness" on a physical level is not nearly as dramatic as Paul's, or even of many other individuals living today, I knew I wouldn't be able to get through the camp without His sufficient grace. And His grace truly was sufficient. Praise God, my symptoms were decreased during the camp, and I was able to participate, albeit carefully, in most of the activities. No one suffered any serious injuries. We were able to stay up late in our cabins having meaningful conversations (and we leaders had the energy to do so!). During the camp, God was working in the hearts of the leaders and students alike, and I am mind-blown by how receptive and hungry so many of the students were to better know Christ. 

So, while my physical, and, on an even higher level, spiritual, state was that of great weakness, Christ's grace was sufficient and his power was displayed through His work in our and our students' hearts. 

I don't want to share this to make myself look good; I struggle with hypocrisy, pride, and self-focus on a daily -- even hourly -- basis. During the camp, while I tried to pour out myself in service to our girls, I was far from perfect. The above paragraphs don't talk about the inner turmoil I have with sin, or the self-doubt, distraction, and insecurity I felt during the camp. But, God used us broken leaders to work in the lives of young men and women. THAT is the point. His grace was sufficient. His power is made perfect in my weakness. "When I am weak, then I am strong," for the strength I am forced to rely on is not my own, but His.

This sister, Dad, and I were all able to go, plus one of our brothers (he as a student)

 This sweet young lady and I even got to make a snowman! 

The group, after our hike! There was supposed to be lots of snow, but although it was probably freezing, the snow had all blown away by mid-day, when we arrived at the summit. 

Hold fast to Jesus,

Sonia  

A New Year: Reflections, Hopes, Convictions

Reflecting on the past year, and looking toward the coming year (here, I have to make the cliche "I'm looking forward to 2020 vision" -- 2020 has already started, but barely), I see God's faithfulness. The last year was probably one of the most difficult yet, as its latter quarter was marked with a break-up in early October followed by a car accident (Ms. Suzie was rear-ended but is okay now!) in late November leading to almost constant back pain to date.

The end of my relationship was preceded by growing unrest and it took a while for me to figure out that it was God's will that our relationship as it was end. I'm so thankful for the relationship and the time we spent together, for we not only had a nice time, but God showed me (and, I think, him), several areas  where growth and repentance were needed. So, while I wish it hadn't ended as it did and miss the relationship, I see God's hand at work;  I can't say for certain, but I think He brought us together to help us grow in Him and to better prepare us for the future, albeit separately. 

In light of once again being single, and not desiring (well, not ready for) another relationship quite yet, I am encouraged (trying to be encouraged!) that now is an incredible opportunity for me to better learn to serve Christ with undivided attention, as is said in Scripture of those who are not engaged/married.

A few things I hope to grow in, based on the above opportunity to serve Christ with "undivided attention," I am praying that God will enable me to:

1) Build deeper and more meaningful relationships with family and friends -- I am trying to get back into really investing into other people and expanding my circle of meaningful relationships.

2) Increase in serving and loving others, specifically in the body of Christ. 

3) Continue to learn Russian -- and get to the point where I can carry a -- even brief -- conversation beyond the basics of subjects such as "what is your name?"; "where do you live?"; "where do you work?"; and "how many kids do you have?"

God is faithful, and while life throws us curve balls we sometimes don't like, we need to count the cost of following Him. I'm currently reading Something Needs to Change by David Platt, and he was talking about being convicted about truly counting the cost of following Christ. How many of us in America suffer physical, familial, or even true financial hardship for the sake of Christ? If people around the world are literally losing everything for Him, how much more should we privileged Americans be willing to give up a little comfort and dignity for the sake of Jesus? 

A passage I've been thinking a lot about lately is Philippians 3:8-14:

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on fait— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

While my situation is much different than Paul's, I want to joyfully count the cost -- whatever that may be -- of following Him, remembering that Christ has made me His own. This terrifies me, as I currently just want to have a family and live an easy, quiet life. But, I am praying for the strength to joyfully accept whatever God throws my way; hopefully it will just be meeting a nice guy, getting married, and raising a family, but I can no sooner see the future than get over my fear of arachnids. 

Hold fast to Jesus!

Sonia

God. With. US.

The Holiday Season (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's) can be a difficult time for a lot of people, especially those who are going through a loss, are single (and wish they weren't), or those who don't have any family. The above are things that are common to humanity, and struggling with feelings of grief, loneliness, or sadness are not abnormal, and I would even dare to say, not typically sinful. However, for Christians, those feelings should not dictate our attitudes or actions. Those feelings should also not fester into discontentment but should instead remind us of the incredible truth that while we are all victims of a fallen world -- believers and unbelievers alike -- we who know Jesus have an ETERNAL HOPE giving us strength and joy to live on this TEMPORARY, and sometimes painful, world.

To be honest, I've personally been struggling with the Holiday Season (it was my dear mother who encouraged me by telling me it isn't a sin to feel sad, but it is to feel self-pity or have a bad attitude). As we've gotten closer to Christmas, though, I've been finding an incredible wonder at the marvel of the pinnacle of the Holiday Season -- Christmas, when we celebrate our God who came to earth in the form of a man so that we could come to HIM! There have been moments where I'm (nearly literally) floored at the wonder of it. 

Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. 19And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. 20But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.  

21She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins. 22All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet:

23“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,and they shall call his name Immanuel”(which means, God with us).  

24When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife, 25but knew her not until she had given birth to a son. And he called his name Jesus.

Matthew 1:18-25 (English Standard). God with us -- Jesus was and IS the GOD who is WITH US. 

The pastors at our church have shared a few sermons over the past weeks, and one of them shared how God initially communicated to us through things such as a burning bush (see, e.g., Exodus 3), words of prophets, etc. This wasn't something we could truly relate to or have a relationship with. When He sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, God in flesh, to earth, He opened a way for us to have a one-on-one relationship with Himself.

"For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, 6who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time." 1 Timothy 2:5-6 (English Standard).

It's difficult to even express it, but the incredible truth of Christmas is that God came to be WITH US; He came to live a perfect life, be murdered by those He created, face the full wrath of God for the sins of the world, and be raised to life again since death has no hold on Him (See, e.g., 1 Corinthians 15). God poured His wrath on His Son so that all who call upon the name of Jesus Christ in repentance, believing in the free gift of forgiveness and salvation, will be SAVED FROM THEIR SINS. What a wonder.

And so, while the "sentimental" part of the Holiday Seasons may be tainted by a bit of earthly pain, the reality of an incredible Savior coming to earth far surpasses those feelings.

Merry Christmas!

Sonia

I Feel Safer in the Darkness of God's Uncertainty Than in the Light of Human Logic

About a month ago, I moved out of my parents house into the empty living space (bedroom/bathroom) of Clari and Cowboy's house. Earlier this week, I loaded (almost) the last of my possessions in boxes and brought them to my new space, intending to unpack them today or tomorrow. It's going to be a challenging process to find homes for everything -- I didn't realize I had so many books until I tried to fit them into two boxes and instead needed about 5-6. Let's not even get started on clothes or shoes. Anyway, I was planning to have everything unpacked and organized before Thanksgiving. It was going to be great, and I was going to be so satisfied to have accomplished such a feat.

Today, I'm laying on my bed with ibuprofen in my system and a heat pack under my neck in the midst of my tornado of a living space, unable to clean anything or even hardly move, it seems. Whiplash. The first, and hopefully the last, time I've ever experienced it. I'm a "doer," a "getter-doner," and seeing my room like this without being able to clean it is honestly very difficult. Being an "invalid" without feeling sick is not easy; using PTO for time other than vacation feels kind of sad. 

The experiences and relationships of the last year have been showing me that I am extremely goal-oriented (perhaps to the point of "occasional" controlling tendencies, heh). I work toward the goal, and want to get there as soon as possible -- even if that means forgetting to slow down and enjoy the process. I like order, a plan, and checklists. Sure, spontaneous adventures are fun as long as I don't have to plan them (if that makes sense), but I feel like if there isn't a plan, time may be wasted or an opportunity missed. 

My sister and I were rear-ended on the way home from work yesterday, and while we weren't seriously injured, as alluded to above, I'm feeling quite a bit of pain in my neck and back and can't do much of anything. My dear Lady Suzanna Azura (aka "Miss Suzie") has been totaled -- pending the insurance appraiser determining the fact. On a side-note, I actually am pretty peaceful about losing my car; no one was seriously injured and I have insurance! (update from a week later: turns out Miss Suzie is not totaled after all, although she came awfully close and will be in the shop at least through the New Year.)

So, instead of organizing my living space, I'm stuck with lots of time and no physical ability to  utilize it how I would like. There are many thoughts running through my mind, but the one I want to stick is found in Isaiah 55:8-9, which says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither  are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (English Standard)

The past two months have been the most difficult in several years, and I'm trying to surrender everything to my Savior, Whose plans are much better than mine. I fail at this every day, but He is constantly reminding me of my helpless state, physically and spiritually. And so, I'm thankful for being slightly bed-ridden; if it weren't so I probably wouldn't have organized my thoughts enough to write this post.

While this post is kind of scattered, I hope the main idea still comes across: My Plans = Not Always God's Plans; God's Plans = The Best Plans. The struggle is real. So is the Savior, though.

"I feel safer in the darkness of God's uncertainty than in the light of human groundless logic. In this darkness I am standing on a solid foundation of the Word of God which gives me peace . . . I feel safer because I am holding the hand of the One who is not capable of cruelty." Tim Rasulov, Worshipping in Darkness 61 (2019).

Loving God: Loving Others

One of the themes God has been redirecting to me over the past month is loving others. Truly loving others. In late September, several ladies from our church gathered to watch a life stream of the Revive Our Hearts conference, and one of the speakers shared the following passage, and gleaned a truth from it that I hadn't really considered when reading it before.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; 

my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from you, 

when I was being made in secret, 

intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, 

every one of them, the days that were formed or me, 

when as yet there was non of them.

Psalm 139:14-16 (English Standard). The speaker noted that, certainly, God has made us fearfully and wonderfully, and that we can rejoice in the fact that even our personalities, mental abilities, and appearance are not a mistake on His part. While a beautiful and encouraging reminder, what she shared after this stuck out to me. She noted that while the it is true that WE are fearfully and wonderfully made, we also need to recognize that EVERYONE else is, too. We should be seeing other individuals as just as treasured in God's eyes, and love them accordingly. 

The Bible constantly points us to the example of Christ and how He lived -- and died -- on this earth. He loved others perfectly.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 

Philippians 2:3-8 (English Standard)

At a Biblical Discipleship conference last Saturday, the speaker shared a truth that true Christians need to be constantly remembering: Your love for others will be in proportion to your love for God. There's that theme of seeing others as  treasured by God and loving them.

By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not o God, nor is the one who does not love his brother . . . . Beloved let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. . . . Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 3: 10, 4:7-8, and 11 (English Standard). Scripture is filled with affirmation of the statement that our love for others will be an evidence of our love for God. Ask yourself: do I love others as Christ has loved me, above myself and beyond my comfort zone? Do I care for the brother or sister next to me, for whom Christ has died?

Bonus passage: 

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

2 Corinthians 5:16-21 (English Standard).